Overwhelmed

ShoppingBlog-3words by sandie rossini: february 23, 2016

I could spend all my time getting overwhelmed by what I call the “big stuff” in life- like for example, brain cancer, but let’s face it, that’s just way too super scary for me to comprehend. What really overwhelms me is shopping. Not all shopping, just shopping at two stores in particular; the first store is Michael’s (which is a craft store, I love that store and have a tendency to go a little overboard with my spending in there and honestly I’m not really that crafty so you can try to figure that one out); the second store is Pier 1 imports (which I can only explain by simply saying that I just happen to be deeply and madly in love with each and every single item that has ever sold in that store.) This is all may sound very silly, it is.

Humor me as I walk you through what takes place during one of my complete and total mental breakdowns. Keep in mind that I am totally aware upon entering the establishments that this will all take place and I attempt to warn whomever is accompanying me about my “condition” however “first timers” always seem to be shocked. Friends and family are familiar and know how to handle the situation. As I enter the store I begin to see things that I want to buy, things that I feel I need to buy and all of those things quickly become things that I MUST buy. I tell myself that I can’t have any carrying assistance, i.e. bags, baskets, shopping carts; but without knowing it I have picked up a few items. My hands hurt, so I have to take a basket to relieve the pain from my hands, obviously. I see some amazing things that I must buy- everything is on sale. I’m being pulled by what seems like a magnetic force, I look down and realize I have 2 full baskets- how did that happen? I also seem to have lost my family. I should get a shopping cart. I feel a little dizzy, it might just be the lighting in here- oh my gosh, that frame is amazing, I’m getting it. I need a second shopping cart that way I can fit more things in it, I don’t want to have to come back, that would be silly- I could get that lamp over there and Christmas gifts for next year, can you imagine getting all that shopping done so early? Oh and my mom’s birthday’s coming up, I could get her that beautiful vase and fill it up with fresh flowers once a month, she would love that…now, if I can only remember what I came here for…

Ok, don’t judge me. I don’t overspend, I have never been in debt and I pay off all of my credit cards every month, I don’t spend what I don’t have…and no, I am not in denial. I actually tend to be a little prissy, I never break the rules, so I can do this because hey, if I’ve learned anything it’s that life is short and once in a while it’s ok for me to kick up my shopping heels and lose my mind for a few minutes, to smile, laugh to go into a dizzying shopping frenzy, to be pulled in different directions by awesome picture frames, sweet smelling candles & craft-making fantasies.

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Where Do I Go From HERE?

Reservoir-Rain-WhereDoIGowords & image by sandie rossini: may 22, 2014

What comes next? Where do I go from here? What’s the plan? Will I need more treatment? Will it ever get easier? So many questions. The doctors told me to stop thinking beyond today, focus on THIS step, don’t worry about the next one until I get there. Well how do I do that? I’m not the type of person that lives in the moment, who doesn’t think of the future in fact I’ve spent my whole life planning out my next step. So how do I just stop doing that? My next step wasn’t too great and I would soon find out that worrying about it wasn’t helpful, it actually had the complete opposite effect. Worrying was bad, worrying gave me anxiety and if I was trying to live in the moment and enjoy my life then anxiety couldn’t be part of that plan. So there it was- the answer, right there in the middle of all the worrying. My plan would be to not think of what’s next when it came to my cancer, to actually live day by day, moment by moment. I wanted a future, I needed to believe I had one, so I began to focus on my wedding-that was something in the future. I focused on my kids- they were in my future. I would take on projects that would happen in the future. There was a balance, I just didn’t see it before. I could focus on today and not worry about the future of my disease but plan my life, my future. I knew one thing for sure- my future plans do not include cancer, cancer will not win. I will win. I will fight for my future and in the meantime I would be happy and grateful for every new day and really mean it.